Gandalf Screws Up
by Shampoo
Summary: Your next thrilling installment to "Gandalf Screws Up." Will Legolas fulfill his dream of becoming a gangsta rappa? Is Aragorn really from New Jersey? Will the Company survive the attack of the Orcs in such a sorry state? Read and find out!
1. [1] Legolas is hot

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, yadda yadda yadda  
  
A/N: This is really stupid. Flames are welcome :D  
  
GANDALF SCREWS UP  
  
One day the Fellowship decided to take a nice rest from their perilous journeys with the One Ring. The sunlight was waning as the Company ate a quick meal, and all were thinking solely of sleep as they chewed on those little cakes that the Elves gave them that I can't remember the names for, and Elrond's liquor that has powerful rejuvenation properties.  
  
"Ah!" said Gandalf, "I feel rejuvenated!"  
  
Told you.  
  
Legolas nodded, and the evening light caught in his gorgeous blonde hair and caused it to shimmer like finely wrought silver. His generous and sensuous lips began to move and the undeserving air passed over his vocal chords, creating his sexy voice, and he said, "One of us should remain awake and watch for Orcs and the rest of us should retire for the night."  
  
Frodo piped up, "I'll stay awake first, and then wake one of you in a few hours if all is well."  
  
Gandalf smiled. "Alright, Frodo. Goodnight."  
  
With that the rest of the Company ambled into a nearby cave. All promptly dropped off into slumber except for Gandalf. The wizard remained awake, unable to enter the realm of sleep. Sighing and stroking his long grey beard, he pulled himself in a sitting position and deliberated on what to do. He came to the conclusion that he might as well take over the night watch, because there was no use in keeping Frodo up for no reason.  
  
Wandering out into the night, he spotted Frodo leaning against a tree and trying not to nod off into slumber. Gandalf then called the little hobbit's name, which obviously startled him.  
  
"I'm sorry Gandalf... I didn't realize how tired I was," he murmured sheepishly and yawning. "I'll try to stay awake."  
  
"That won't be necessary, Frodo," Gandalf said affectionately. "I am having trouble getting sleep, and I will take over your watch for you."  
  
"Thank you," said Frodo. He got up and went back to the cave, and with each step he grew wearier. As soon as his head hit the ground he was out like a light.  
  
Moments passed, and then hours. The Grey Sorcerer sighed and looked up at the stars. "Gilthoniel almighty I'm bored," he muttered bitterly, wishing he had left Frodo to his own out here, but Frodo would have probably fallen asleep and been eaten by something, and they'd all be up shit creek. His old eyes traveled to his staff and he decided to do what all wizards do when they have nothing important at hand: work on their magic.  
  
Gandalf liked casting spells.  
  
He grabbed his staff and began waving it in slow circles, chanting to himself slowly in the guttural Orc language of Mordor which I cannot write down. Actually I'm too lazy to come up with anything.  
  
Deal with it.  
  
When the alarming sutra was finished, Gandalf raised his staff high in the air and thundered a great "HOCUS POCUS!"  
  
...  
  
...  
  
.  
  
.  
  
I said deal with it god damnit!  
  
Anyway,  
  
and there was a great, bright light. When the hapless wizard again came to his senses, he was lying against the aforementioned tree.  
  
"I wonder if I should have said Alakazam?" Gandalf said to himself. "Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'll work on it again some other time." The first rays of the sun were creeping over the horizon and the sorcerer unsheathed his Elven sword, Glamdring, examining it. "No Orcs are near," he stated, and, feeling more at ease, his eyes slid shut.  
  
NEXT DAY  
  
Frodo opened his eyes and stretched. A feeling of excitement bubbled up inside of him and he sat bolt upright, hardly able to contain himself. He scrambled to his hairy feet and leaped over his companions, jostling each.  
  
"Wake up everyone!" he said ecstatically, which elicited a few grumbles and shifting among the rest of the group. Frodo rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion and then settled his eyes on Gandalf, fast asleep against the tree.  
  
"Gandalf!" he shouted, and ran up to the old man who was fast asleep. "Gaaaaaandalf!"  
  
Frodo's blue eyes grew larger as he silently crept up to the dreaming wizard. "H...hey..." stuttered the hobbit fearfully. "G-G-Gandalf..."  
  
Grabbing a nearby twig he proceeded to prod Gandalf with it. "Gandalf! Are you DEAD?" said Frodo in wonder.  
  
The wizard's eyes snapped open under his bushy grey eyebrows and he faced the young hobbit, annoyed.  
  
"No. I was sleeping."  
  
"OH!" cried Frodo. "I'm SORRY but you have to admit you're pretty OLD and I was wondering if you had DIED or something."  
  
Gandalf's eyes narrowed. "What's the matter with you, Frodo?"  
  
The hobbit grinned hugely. "I don't know I guess its cause I'm SO EXCITED I mean we get to go to MORDOR!" At this point Frodo began jumping up and down on his furry little feet. "MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR!"  
  
"Frodo... have you gotten into the miruvor?"  
  
"MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR!"  
  
Gandalf stepped back, worried. Had his spell caused this? Alarm rising within him, he decided to talk it out with Aragorn. The ranger would surely know what to do, and he might even have a counter spell somewhere in his deep knowledge. Making his way towards the cave, he decided to let the rest of the company sleep so they would not see the sorry state of affairs he had put things in.  
  
His long legs stepped over Legolas, whose long, dark eyelashes rested against his pale face. The Elf's blond hair spilled in a golden waterfall down his shoulders and back. His sexy, perfect body rose and fell in rhythm with each quiet breath he took. Gimli and those other hobbits were there too but who needs them.  
  
Gandalf shook Aragorn's shoulders gently, rousing the Ranger out of his sleep and dodgy dreams of Arwen. Needless to say, he was not pleased. "What is it, Gandalf?" he murmured thickly, still semi-conscious.  
  
"There is a matter of utmost importance dealing with a folly on my part and the ring bearer. I need to speak with you immediately."  
  
Aragorn listened with half his attention and then stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at Gandalf. The wizard sputtered indignantly. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  
  
"I wanna sleep some more... I totally don't care about the stupid journey! You guys are all, like, no fun!" he pouted.  
  
"Aragorn son of Arathorn," boomed Gandalf, "Do not tempt me!"  
  
The Ranger raised his arm. "Talk to the hand old man," he said obstinately, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. Gandalf brought his gnarled old hand to his beard once more, the full effects of his spell crashing down all around him.  
  
A FEW HOURS LATER...  
  
"EEEEEEEK!"  
  
A high pitched, girlish scream echoed through the cave and the squat form of Gimli could be seen running as fast as his stout legs could carry him. "Oh! Oh! Oh! I saw a mouse! It was a mouse! EEEEEEEEEK!"  
  
Gandalf hung his head low.  
  
Legolas stepped out of the area everyone else was sleeping, rubbing his gorgeous eyes. "Uhhh..." his smooth, sexy voice rumbled huskily, and Gandalf looked up at him.  
  
"Hmm..." hmm'ed Gandalf. If his reasoning was correct, since Elves could not succumb to any form of disease or outside pathogen, perhaps the Elf was also spared the effects of the spell he had inadvertently cast the night before.  
  
"Come here, Legolas," beckoned the wizard.  
  
"Yo!"  
  
Or not.  
  
Legolas came over, and Gandalf decided to ignore his previous comment in hopes the handsome Elf before him was unaffected. Haltingly, he explained the predicament he has put the Company into. Legolas's expression never wavered.  
  
".... And that's how it happened. Do you have any suggestions as to what to do?"  
  
Legolas waved a derisive arm. "To hell wif that noizze," he slurred. "I don't care about no Company no more. I gonna be crazy large as a gansta rappa."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A lyrical terrorist, ya old bastard, it's the word of mouf!"  
  
Gandalf would have replied, but Gimli came rushing back to them, crashing through the flora and fauna of the tranquil forest. The dwarf looked extremely upset and Gandalf felt a fleeting hope rise within him that Gimli had been spared and was worried about the way the others were acting.  
  
However, all of the wizard's hopes came crashing down when the son of Gloin said, "Do you guys think I look fat?"  
  
Gandalf's mouth hung open.  
  
"I guess I've been eating too much of that lembas the Elves gave us."  
  
"HEY!" shouted Legolas. "Don't diss our goddam bread ya fatass no one asked you to eat nothin!"  
  
"SO I AM FAT!" Gimli burst into tears.  
  
"Psssssssh... I've been chittin' the chat long enough over here... Keep it realz!" Legolas headed back into the cave to work on his rap lyrics and left Gandalf to comfort a sobbing Gimli.  
  
For a while everything seemed to be a haze. The wizard's thoughts were centered on one single purpose: getting the Fellowship back together. All Gandalf really remembered was telling Gimli he was not fat but husky, and having the dwarf run off in tears, only to come back later, Frodo hopping in on an imaginary pogo stick saying absolute nonsense which sounded somewhat like "FATTY WANT ORC PIES" and Legolas and Aragorn fighting over the space left in the cave.  
  
SOME TIME PASSES...  
  
"SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM!" yelled Frodo, bouncing up and down all over the gardener. "SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM!"  
  
"Begging your pardon sir, but could you kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sam snapped, and Frodo just barely had time to dodge a right hook directed at his jaw.  
  
Frodo's big blue eyes began to water. "T-t-t-t-that was m-m-m-m-mean!" he cried. "STRIDER! SAM IS BEING MEAN TO ME!"  
  
Aragorn sat still, trying to ignore everyone around him and look creepy at the same time.  
  
"STRIDER! ARE YOU LISTENING?!"  
  
"Elessar, help me out wif dese lyrics up in here."  
  
"Aragorn? Are you back to your senses yet?"  
  
The Ranger sat still, fists clenched, body shaking. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed and everyone jumped. "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"  
  
Everyone stared at the ranting man.  
  
"MY NAME'S STEVE GOD DAMNIT! AND I'M FROM NEW JERSEY!" With this proclamation Aragorn broke down crying and the sounds of the sobs racking his body resounded across the utter silence of the cave.  
  
"That is SO fucked up," commented Sam.  
  
"FUCK YA'LL!" shouted Aragorn... or whatever the hell his name is.  
  
SUDDENLY...  
  
Gandalf saw a faint light coming from Sting on Frodo's belt. "Orcs..." he murmured, and got up. "There's Orcs very near!"  
  
"Nobody cares," said Sam.  
  
The light streaming in from the cave entrance grew very dim and the shrill cries of the demons could be heard. Gandalf was practically shitting his robes but everyone else was in their own little worlds. Was this the end of the Fellowship?  
  
Eh... probably.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	2. [2] Legolas is sexy

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
A/N: THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY AWESOME REVIEWERS. YOU ALL ARE SO COOL I AM TYPING THIS IS CAPS. MWAH. Oh yeah, and "A," this story is stupid and pointless because it's SUPPOSED to be. Dumbass. Ha ha ha.  
  
Gandalf Screws Up - part II  
  
Frodo's innocent blue eyes went as large as saucers as he viewed the angry mob of Orcs before him, all ranting and raving and waving their scimitars. Surely they had been sent by Saruman, the evil wizard with the great hair and nails (but not as great as Legolas's). Speaking of Legolas, the dreamy elf was standing at attention, one of his well muscled arms drawn back and reaching into his quiver. His stunning eyes were staring intently at the crowd of demons before him, and of course he did not fear them, because was LEGOLAS for Christ's sake, why the hell should he?  
  
"That's one big-ass crowd of Orcs G!" he cried in his smooth, rich voice as the hideous beasts swarmed around them.  
  
"ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS ORCS!" shouted an over excited Frodo, who then dashed forward right into the angry group, ignoring Gandalf's blatant signs of a heart attack.  
  
"God damnit," muttered Sam. "He's a right fucking dumbass."  
  
Gimli turned to the swearing hobbit and asked, "I thought he was your master?"  
  
"Fuck that, sir. He just plain annoys the shit out of me. The only reason I follow him around is because Gandalf said he would pay me, begging his pardon. But you know what, master Gimli? It's not worth it. I'm right fucking tired of taking orders from his lame ass." At this point something like epiphany dawned on Sam's features. "Well I'll be god damned. Why the hell didn't I think of that?"  
  
"Of what?" inquired Gimli, even though he wasn't really listening to Sam. The dwarf was thinking of getting his hair done. And he had a lot of hair so thinking about it required all his attention.  
  
"I probably shouldn't say, sir," replied Sam. The hobbit then turned and walked off, leaving Gimli ponder hairdos.  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
The Orcs closed in all around the Company (Sam and Gimli not caring one way or the other) and Frodo leapt into one's arms. "OOH! YOU'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!" he yelled, and hugged the creature with all of his hobbit strength. Normally this would have sent Sam into a fit of jealous rage, but today was not a normal day and the once subservient hobbit merely sat back and wished much grievous bodily harm on Frodo. Of course even if Sam wasn't jealous, the many Frodo-fangirls of the world were, and even your author must admit typing this out is agitating her greatly because she finds the romantic relationship between Frodo and Legolas very sexy indeed.  
  
SO DON'T NICK IT!  
  
Anyway, Frodo remained in the arms of the Orc and Legolas decided he had to do something, because he is obviously the best and the coolest not to mention the hottest. He stepped forward on his nicely shaped legs, sinewy muscles rippling underneath his tunic. Brushing one golden strand of hair out of his expressive eyes, he reached back once more into his quiver and pulled out.... A MICROPHONE.  
  
The Orcs were left in confusion as the lights in the cave dimmed and Bilbo, who was supposed to be in Rivendell, walked into the spotlight.  
  
~  
  
Bilbo: Now Frodo, it's gonna be different livin' out heeya. Don't let Gandalf or Sam get you into any kind of shit do you hear me?  
  
Frodo: Bilbo I'm grown now. Can't nobody me into trouble no more.  
  
Bilbo: Well I'm glad you said that Frodo. But since you grown... don't bring yo' hobbit ass back home.  
  
~  
  
Legolas: Hot elf baby... ninety nine baby... I'm on the grind baby...  
  
Frodo: You can do it put your back into it  
  
Legolas: I can do it put your ass into it  
  
Frodo: You can do it put your back into it  
  
Legolas: I can do it put your ass into it  
  
Frodo: Put your back into it  
  
Legolas: Put your ass into it  
  
Legolas: Tic-tic-boom  
  
Hear me bangin' down the Brandywine  
  
Bumpin' Elf beats, fiending like a troll  
  
Life ain't a track meet (no)  
  
It's a marathon  
  
Fuck the cemetery that a Elf get buried on  
  
We be wandering till the day we die  
  
Hobbit ask the bartender if you think we lie  
  
But if you think we high, hobbit think again  
  
Cause when it's sink or swim  
  
You gotta think to win  
  
And if I drink this miruvor  
  
Everybody will know it  
  
Cause Gandalf ain't going for it  
  
So pray to Gilthoniel that I don't pull out  
  
Cuss out and bust out  
  
Go to dwarf raveling  
  
Make the clip traveling, uh  
  
You can try to smoke pipeweed to this  
  
While I pronounce this shit  
  
Arwen bounce them...  
  
[Aragorn: HEY!]  
  
Galadriel move them hips  
  
Mama shake them cheeks  
  
I got hobbit for days  
  
You got Elves for weeks, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
~  
  
At this point the Orcs were in a pained frenzy due to Legolas's great rapping techniques. And who wouldn't be, I mean come on. Jeez. Anyway, in the panic, Frodo was trampled by a really big Orc which the over enthusiastic hobbit was hugging at the time because...  
  
Well, because, alright? I'm feeling lazy right now and I don't want to come up with reasons. Deal.  
  
Sam ran to what everyone PERCIEVED as Frodo's aid, crying what everyone PERCIEVED as tears of sorrow and guilt. "Poor hobbit," Gimli said, "He must feel very disgusted with himself after saying such terrible things about Frodo and having Frodo get hurt like this. But shit happens," he added, and walked out of the cave into the sunlight. No one noticed, or even heard what he said because Gimli isn't as special as oh say LEGOLAS.  
  
Speaking of Legolas, and you know I most certainly am, the radiant Elf stood in a sexy pose, looking very jumpable. His long blonde hair glinted in the dim light and his perfectly shaped lips titled invitingly into a gorgeous smile. After giving such a great rapping performance his cheeks were slightly flushed, contrasting with his pale face, giving him an angelic glow. He put his hands on his slim hips, very close to his nice bum and thus formed the embodiment of a crazy hot guy.  
  
And because your author wills it, James from Team Rocket on the show "Pokemon" appeared out of nowhere and stood next to Legolas, so that the two hottest possible guys on Earth were side by side.  
  
AMEN!  
  
But now that I've got such a great deal going, I might as well exercise my creative liberties. James threw himself into Legolas's strong arms and the two engaged in a passionate kiss. The Elf ran his fingers through James's shiny hair and James broke the kiss, to which Legolas responded by trailing smaller kisses down James's neck. What a badly written sentence. Moving on, the two beautiful young men sank to the cave floor and the rest will not be mentioned, because this story is PG-13 so go somewhere else for that kind of thing, ya perverted bastards.  
  
Even though you have to admit it brightened your day just a little bit.  
  
God I am such a fucking weirdo.  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
"Frodo? Frodo! Are you alright?" asked Sam anxiously, looking from side to side. "Frodo?"  
  
Frodo, however, was not responding. Luckily he had been wearing his mithril, however, and was actually unharmed. The only reason he was unconscious was because he really HAD gotten into the miruvor. Sam's face broke out into an evil smile. "Alright then, sir," he said to the sleeping form of Frodo, "Where's that ring of yours?"  
  
He proceeded to grope around on Frodo and pretend he wasn't enjoying it, until he found the ring dangling on Frodo's necklace (Psh like he hadn't know it was there the whole time).  
  
"I've got it!" Sam cried. "It's mine! My precioussssss..."  
  
Er... right. So Sam has the ring and he's planning to fuck shit up old school. Is this the REAL end of the Fellowship?  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


End file.
